Everyone knows that buying stuff on the internet is easy and fun, and almost everyone knows that if you look hard enough you can find some really strange items auctioned away right now. Ebay has allowed people to buy used hazmat suits or a piece of toast that looks like a ghost, on Amazon you can buy edible underwear and some places even sell live animals. However, there are some things that shouldn’t be sold on-line yet they are.
1. Bear Survival Kit
Over at Bud’s gun shop you can purchase yourself an authentic Smith and Wesson bear survival kit, because if you’re the kind of person who is buying guns on the internet you’re also a target for bear attacks. The kit includes a short barreled gun which according to the description is much easier to use if you’re attacked while in your sleeping bag. The question of why you have a gun in your sleeping bag remains unanswered.
Aside from the gun the kit contains a whistle, a saw and several tools that could be used to keep yourself warm, such as a blanket and fire kindle. Finally you also get a copy of “Bear Attacks of the Century – True Stories of Courage and Survival.” It’s easy to see how the gun might be helpful, although if a grizzly is in your tent no bear survival kit will save you. However, why do we need a book and a whistle? Sure the items are helpful, but not when having to defeat a bear. Then again we can’t really think of anything that could save you from an angry bear, so maybe that snuggly blanket is just as good.
2. A corpse
To be honest we were disappointed to find out that this corpse is not real. It’s made out of latex to have the texture of dead, decaying flesh but at the end of the day it’s just a big boring doll. For 500 dollars we expected to be able to buy the remains of an actual person, although having a deceased body made exactly to your specifications does have its appeal. The website assures us that special care will be given to the skin, nostrils and fingernails of the corpse, making sure that this latex prop will give nightmares to whoever sees it.
3. An airplane
The prices for planes might scare many people away from investing in their own flying machine, but don’t worry, the Aircraft Shopper Online website will help you figure out how to get a loan and what taxes need to be filled for the plane. While there are several pages dealing with financial planning the site doesn’t mention anything about a pilot’s license, so we assume that actually knowing how to fly one of these babies is not a problem.
However, if you’re uncomfortable about landing you can always buy an amphibian plane or if you prefer historical accuracy, how about a World War II plane? With a little determination you could probably even make that old war relic ready for war so the next time your neighbor annoys you, you can just bomb his house!
In the previous entry we mentioned that you could bomb your neighbor. In case you want to make the maximum damage possible you should definitely consider using some uranium. The cheapest lump of radioactive ore is only 17 bucks, but has low radioactivity and that is no fun. You should really go for the large $200 piece which is guaranteed to have high radiation and probably give cancer to whoever touches it.
The really scary part about the site is the fact that right now they are sold out of radioactive ore which means that someone out there owns some Uranium, simply because he had an internet connection.
Well if someone out there has Uranium, you should probably be ready for a massive armed conflict so you should get some training time in a real tank. For only $1200 you can ride in a tank along with the crew and learn all you need about mobile warfare.
And once you learned how to control a tank, why not go over to this site where you can buy a real tank? Unfortunately in order to become the owner of an armored mobile destruction device you have to live in the UK and trust a site written in comic sans with your credit card information.
6. The James Bond Experience
In case you don’t want to actually own a tank or a plane (we hear the gas costs are incredible) BlueFish can help you plan a James Bond week. You can be given a mission and race around the world as more than 200 actors will entertain your fantasy. At one point the evil Octopussy team (composed solely out of sexy women) can kidnap you from your yacht and after a daring escape why not play some high stakes poker in a Monte Carlo casino?
In case James Bond isn’t your thing, you can race around on a Grand Prix circuit, or dive to visit the Titanic. The experience isn’t going to be cheap, but BlueFish can fulfill any insane fantasy you can come up with.
7. Russian Mail-order Brides
Selling and buying other human beings is one of those things that we can all agree is not good. However, buying your wife on-line seems to be perfectly acceptable. The truly sad part about looking at one of these on-line catalogues of Eastern European women is that there are multiple sites where you can find a potential wife. The websites claim to be dating sites and they will help you connect with the woman and do the paperwork necessary for her to move to the Unites States. As far as we can tell she won’t be shipped in a box, you actually have to buy her a plane ticket.
8. Explosives Detection Kit
There should be no moment in your life when you tell yourself: “I wish I could know if that ticking package is a bomb. Good thing I have my bomb detection kit” If at any moment that question crosses your mind you should run away, and after safely hidden behind a thick wall, call the police. For no reason whatsoever should anyone want to test some unknown substance to see if it’s explosive. If there is the slightest chance that it is, let people who are professionals and have years of training deal with it. Even better, let a robot do the job.
9. Do it Yourself Embalming Kit
For eight dollars you can own your very own embalming kit. According to the site selling them these items are actually used by morticians to embalm people. The kit will contain: “Each kit will include 2 eye caps, 2 needle pins for closing the mouth, and a trocar button, a mouth former or dental stimulator. We also include a toe tag in each bag. Please do not try this at home. We are not liable for any pain you cause yourself.”
10. Human Skull
If none of the items so far on this list satisfy your morbid need for dead things, maybe a real human skull could help. Not only does this store offer real human skulls, but you can purchase a Tibetan decorated skull for only $1500, the artwork is quite impressive. In case that is too pricey for your craniums, check back in a week or two as the store has specials quite often.
11. Private Island
In case you are tired of the government and living in a well established country, why not buy your own little island and reign supreme. Or in case you always wanted an evil lair for your tanks and human skulls, the internet is here to help you. With only a few clicks that volcanic skull shaped island could be your new home!
Author: Jack Mendoza — Copyrighted © roadtickle.com