The Best Chuck Norriscisms!

  • Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table because only Chuck Norris recognizes the element of surprise.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. It’s descendants are now known today as giraffes.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t own a watch. HE decides what time it is.
  • There is no such thing as evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac and Burger King, and got one.
  • According to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  • Chuck Norris will never die of heart attack. His heart is not foolish enough to attack him.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
  • Chuck Norris has the greatest pokerface of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win – forever.
  • They once made a Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
  • In an average room, there are 1,242 items which Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room.
  • When Chuck Norris does a push up, he is not pushing himself up, but rather pushing the earth down.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
  • Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.



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