I’m not going to beat around the bush. If you wear anything Ed Hardy you are a mindless douche.
Ed Hardy not only enhances your portfolio in the stock-exchange of Metro Douche Retardism (MDR) but it also makes your designer wallet much lighter. It should be noted that your standard MDR Fat Cat’s wallet is way heavier then a normal mans wallets. This is due to the fact that they carry 100’s of photos of themselves, pursing their lips and flashing gay hand gestures.
I’ve gone undercover and infiltrated the Ed Hardy factory, in a hope we Humans can learn from our mistakes….Fuck it we’ll never learn. Ed Hardy is the new Von Dutch, just as Darfur is the new Cambodia, Rwanda Holocaust etc…way to drop the ball AGAIN Human Race!
Anyway…here is the transcripts of secret meetings I taped at the Ed Hardy Factory.
Ed Hardy Design Sessions
Design 1 – Pathetic “Ghetto Bulldog” Wearing a Peace Chain
Ed: Good morning Toe-rag, what have you got for me?
Steffen (designer): Sheesh! I told you my name is Steffen….anywho, you’ll love this, it’s a bulldog wearing a peace symbol.
Ed: Man…that sounds fucking lame! What type of douche would wear that…oh yes, sorry I forgot about our demographic….well done Steffen! Take the afternoon off and get a facial.
Steffen: Oh Ed, you are the best boss ever!…I can’t believe those bozo’s at the temporary tattoo company I used to work for, said I’d amount to nothing!
Design 2 – Look Mom I just got Tatt Sleeves……Psych!
Ed: Good God Steffan, when I told you it would be good for your image to get a Tattoo, I didn’t think you would go that far! I assumed you’d get a Chinese symbol that says “Peace, Love and Harmony” on your ass….like my Tatt.
Steffen: I told you Ed, my grandma is Chinese and your ass says “Tibet is out bitch”. Anyways, check this out Ed! (Steffan whips his t-shirt off)
Ed: What the fuck!! Christ you just ripped your newly tattooed skin off! I’ll call 911.
Steffen: Relax Ed…this is our new design….it gives douches with a pathetically low tolerance to pain, instant street cred.
Ed: Steffen….incredible once again! I’ll admit it, when I hired you I was concerned about your gimp drawing hand…but it is turning out to be an asset!
Design 3 – Valcor Got in a Fight
Steffen: To be honest Ed. The brief you gave me for this was a tough one.
Ed: Shut up Steffen! What’s so hard about drawing Valcor from the Never Ending Story with band-aids?
Steffen: Um…nothing I guess. So what’s with the band-aids?
Ed: I was hurt by Valcor, now I’m hurting him back…You see my ex-boyfriend, I mean ex-wife’s nickname was Valcor…he, I mean she called me Bastian, cause I rode her back all night long cluching his golden hair.
Steffen: You mean her golden hair?
Ed: yes I meant her beautiful, glorious, manly golden hair.
Choosing the New Face of Ed Hardy Fashion
Pierre: (Marketing Manager): Ok Ed here are the finalists.
Ed: Wow, it’s a strong talent pool of douchbags this year. I say the double bullhorn throwing fool with the 2 tarts should be scrapped….we don’t want the rest of our customers getting the false impression they’ll get laid wearing Ed Hardy gear….what are your thoughts Pierre?
Pierre: I like the guy in the bottom left, impersonating a glory hole. I think that’ll speak to a majority of our customers.
Ed: I’m leaning towards top left…this is a rare breed of douche that other douche’s look down at and therefore find our product accessible. Like $400 a T-Shirt accessible….muhahaha!