As far as fashion goes the noughties weren’t to bad. The 80’s and 90’s were off the Richter scale of lameness in comparison.
However the noughties did suffer some major seismic activity of fashion shame. The tramp stamp, designer tracksuit pants and pastel coloured jeans were just a couple of examples that we should try to forget.
We’ll have a look at what went wrong with fashion over the past decade and who’s
too lame to blame. (See what I did there!)
5) The Trucker Cap
Once the staple head-wear for rednecks (and you guessed it…truckers), this foamy faux pas crossed the divide into mainstream douche wardrobes around the world.
Trucker Caps once fell into the “ironic fashion” category, which made the wearer think they were edgy and cool. Unfortunately just like those zanny “Cocaine Cola” T-shirts that made the rounds there for a while, as soon as you’ve seen more the one on the same street, the wearer goes from ironic to lametard in an instant.
The total degrees of cap twist represents both Demi’s age and Ashton’s IQ.
4) Pink Polo Shirts
Seriously at what point did wearing a pink shirt not attract enough negative attention, that aficionados of this retarded “trend” decide that popping the collar would be the cherry on top of the fruitcake?
If I was guilty of this heinous fashion crime I would expect my sexuality, manhood and ability to perceive colour to be called into question.
The greatest enigma about this trend is that those who partake in it are often those you’d expect least likely to wear a pink shirts. Frat boys, Mafia wannabes and buff guys who leer at women in clubs, seem to be the pink shirt popped collar demographic.
A common thread with these people is they are all narcissistic to a point that they could never fancy a girl as much as they fancy themselves. That essentially makes them gay. This is why they are drawn to pink. As for the rolled up collar? I dunno, maybe it’s because they are afraid of vampires…unless it was that dreamy Edward Cullen.
Decisions, decisions…low carb lemon infused beer or vodka and melon flavor? I’ll just stare at my reflection for another 5 minutes while I make up my mind.
This modern day version of wooden clogs can only be described as abhorrent.
I don’t care if they are so comfortable that you feet have orgasms wearing them, this plastic moulded work of Satan should never be seen in public.
So we’ve established that wearing crocs in public basically brands you as a grand poo-bar in the order of douche-ism! There are a select few croc lovers out there who have taken this into a much more sinister place and have committed an unspeakable evil. That is those who wear socks with crocs *shudder*
These people really don’t deserve to be part of society.
Crocs are already lame x infinity. So adding prescription heels is a smart ploy by Iggy Pop because people won’t be able to get over the fact he’s wearing crocs and forget about his deformed freak leg.
2) Man Tan (also know as the Fake-N-Bake)
This decade has seen the proliferation of “Manscaping”. Manscaping is the practice of straight men waxing, use make-up and worst of all employing artificial tanning techniques.
The usual suspects are those who spend so much time in gyms that their muscles are fully developed but their skin is whiter then Vanilla Ice.
Their pastiness isn’t an issue until they get an invite to the Annual Douche Ball, where they learn lame house music and elevated dancing podiums will be the order of the day.
Naturally this type of environment will require them to get their tops off and expose their awesomeness to the world.
So it’s off to the tanning salon, whether it be spray on or tanning beds, these man tanners have only one request and that is turn the knob past the “Wesley Snipes” setting and into “Roast Turkey” mode.
We can only hope this was the result of a UV tanning bed and he’ll soon die of skin cancer
1) Emo Fashion
Emo fashion has placed number 1 in my lamest fashion list for the past decade. The emo movement was in it’s infancy in the 90’s but it wasn’t until the noughties that being a whiny little bitch with follicle impaired vision went mainstream.
Let’s face it emo’s are a poor man’s goth and that is testament to how pathetic they really are! Typically you’ll find that emo’s are depressed, prone to self-injury, and suicidal. Christ! If every time I looked in the mirror and saw an anorexic, gay version of Pugsly Adams staring back at me I’d be suicidal as well. So my message to any emo is:
No Self Portrait Photos I know being emo limits your possibilities of ever having friends, but surely you know at least one person that could take your photo. This would save us all from those pathetic steamy bathroom self portraits you then put on your facebook or myspace page.
Lose the make-up The only male that should ever wear make-up is a 6 o’clock news presenter
Pull your hair out of your eyeballs When you look that girly you should be wary of being sucker punched on the street. Peripheral vision is your friend.
Wear jeans & t-shirts that fit The only positive of tight jeans is that they’ll eventually crush their weak little testicles and kill off any possibility of them ever spawning another weedy generation.
Teen angst has so much to answer for!
So there we have it, that was the worst fashions for the past decade. If I’ve missed anything you feel should have made the top 5 please edify me by leaving a comment.