t. Valentine’s Day is upon us again. Around the world men in relationships curse this day as yet another example of capitalism hijacking and manipulating something for its own greedy means. On the subject of hijacking and the hate of capitalism, I’ve recently visited a Muslim only dating website and extracted some nuggets of gold from this rich vain of lame. I’ve neatly parceled them up into 6 things that I learnt whilst browsing this particular site.
What was that you said? “Stop being so culturally insensitive you moron!” Fear not you latte sipping, tolerance promoting hippies. Here at The Lamest we subject all religions, races and minorities to equal doses of ridicule and mirth. This is proven by a recent article I wrote bashing this group of crazy Christians.
1) Hide your Ugliness with a Rubbish Profile Photo
Posting a picture of yourself gives any potential suitor a snapshot of what you look like. This first impression will often prompt the user to read more about you or recoil in shock at your grotesque facial shame.
In the vapid environment of online dating, you’re judged before your name is read. There is a loophole which the following exponents have used to their advantage. This loophole is to have your profile photo taken in a dark room, with Vaseline on the lens or on time exposure by a photographer with Parkinson’s disease.
The guy in the top left has a profile username of xhotx. From that photo I have no idea if he’s talking himself up or not.
2) Ghey up your Profile Photo with Colors and unnecessary Stars & Shit
Women love guys that show a soft artistic side. So get creative with your profile photo, don’t be afraid to use a bit of Photoshop. Add stars to your face or give that background a colorful spruce up. Also rocking a borderline psychopathic death stare in conjunction with bright colors, flowers and stars, sends a strong message to the ladies that you are a multi-layered man of mystery. They love that shit!
The lovely colorful background in the top left photo balances out that gentleman’s death stare of contemptible hate.
3) Your Eyebrows Can’t be Tamed so Work Them!
It’s no secret that Muslim men have a higher propensity to crazy caterpillar eyebrows then just about any other religion. This is not a bad thing, just embrace it and incorporate it into you look. Sporting mad brows tells the ladies that you are comfortable and confident in your skin and you are a very honest person…or lack access to a mirror.
The mustache on the dude in the top middle could learn a thing or two about manliness from his eye brows.
4) Being on the Phone is Sexy in that Aloof Kind of Way
Posing with a telephone not only shows that you are au fait with technology but shows you are connected and if messed with could have a Mercedes full of his cousins down to the Kebab Shop in 5 minutes.
The guy on the right is looking at you like he’s just been informed that you draw political comics for a Danish newspaper
5) Identi-kit Composites Double as Profile Photos
Ever been in trouble with the law? That’s not always a bad thing. The $5 you would have spent on a profile photo is now put to better use, because re-using your identi-kit composite shows the ladies you are both thrifty and dangerous (which ladies are drawn to, like how the girls went wild for the Fonz).
If I was the guy in the bottom right I’d be asking the police artist that put this composite together, what their motives were for making me look like an Easter Island statue.
6) Ensure your Profile Bio Reflects Both your Tender and Explosively Violent Side.
This plucky chap below sure has a way with words.
I exercise a liberal very upsetting trade, but despite that, I am very kind, romantic, sensual and very honest, but I becomes furious when one tries to roll me or to take me for a fool.
“Don’t even think about rolling and or fooling me!”