The following article was written by our good friend James Faust from TheLamest.com. From The Lamest HQ (his attic) James Faust delivers tirades of shame to celebrities, politicians, and your momma in equal amounts. His creativity is fuelled by fishheads and cheap wine. James lives and dies by his fancy mission statement which is treating the lame with disdain. Be sure to check out more of his work at www.thelamest.com.
I’ve searched the Interwebbage high and low in the search of the world’s Lamest Emo/Goth/Gay Moth Man of Darkness (whatever they call themselves).
Here’s the list I’ve compiled. I’ve given each member of this exclusive pose a razor blade rating out of 10.
Orangutan Faced Sook-Armed Gimp
This fat prick has plenty to sulk about. His eyes not only have to deal with a thinning fringe obscuring his vision, but surely the orangutan-like brow trying to migrate its way down to his puffy cheeks would be concerning. I’m not sure if the folded arms are a protest to his mom to give him back his twinkie or a protest to god to give him back his neck.
6 Razor Blades
See the others!
Brow-down in front of your Princess of Darkness
When you are butt ugly, drawing attention to your face is generally not high on your list of priorities.
Shooting yourself in the face with a makeup gun set to “clown” is badass, but shaving off your eyebrows so they create a flowing line highlighting your facial shame is simply hardcore!
For this I give “Clowny No-Brow McEmo” a rating of…
7 Razor Blades
Morbidly Obese Emo Flashing the McDonalds Gang Sign
Being this freaky ugly and willing to stand in front of a mirror and reflect the horrible truth of yourself earns you serious razor blade points in my book. Deciding that the ass clown looking back at you should be photographed and uploaded to the internet, bumps this fat, black-lipped Emo up to a perfect 10 Razor Blades.
Unfortunately this would be Nadia Comaneci of the Emo parallel bars didn’t quite stick his landing and must be deducted 1 Razor Blade for that fat fingered gang sign.
9 Razor Blades
Venus de Emo
This Emo has rare attributes that instantly skyrocket her into the top percentile of Emology. Being a midget wasn’t enough for this little lass, she also rocks the double arm stumps.
This look is a modern day statement that says: “Your ancient female ideals have changed man! I’m the modern day Venus de Milo and just you try and fu*k with me!”
“Give her the winners black sash right now so we can all head home,” I can hear you say. Sorry, but I must harshly penalize her 3 Razor Blades for breaking the #1 Emo rule. She’s at a bowling alley, where there is the slight possibility that you might have fun. Emo’s should never have fun!
7 Razor Blades
Grimus gone Goth
The fat dude in this photo has got to be the internet’s best known Goth/Emo pinup boy. His massive bulk meant that with a few gym sessions, he could have been a blocker for his high school’s football team. This would have gotten him laid by a plethora of hotties, trying to sleep their way to the quarterback. This is known as “getting the foxies by proxy”. Instead, he has chosen a much darker path, which involves him wearing the world’s first Goth Moo Moo and being chained to a little princess.
This is like a bizarre-o parallel Star Wars world where Jabba is chained to Leia.
8 Razor Blades
Cyclops Emo with Hairclip
This little fruit would bring out the desire in Gandhi to punch him in that stupid teenage moustache. That is the power of this specimen of Emology. The only thing stopping him from getting a large razor blade ranking is the fact that, in the background, he has given away his trade secret for that lovely raven fringe. Everyone knows Emos should wash their hair with tears not Garnier Fructis.
5 Razor Blades
Emo Blue Steel
This forlorn look is coming from a master, a true artisan of angst. After Grimus gone Goth, this would have to be the internet’s second most recognizable Emo/Goth. As the French say, he has a certain Je ne sais quoi, that makes you want to throw off the shackles of love and forgiveness, and throw scolding hot water on his face. This would give those pathetic eyes a real reason to be pink.
9 Razor Blades
Androgynous Private Pile that eats Jelly Doughnuts and your Soul
Seriously don’t look into her…um…his…ah…it’s eyes to long or it will possess the shit out of you, like Vigo the Carpathian from Ghost Busters 2. I’m actually going to stop writing and hand this spawn of Satan the Black Sash of Victory right now.
10 Razor Blades
What was that you said? “Leave them alone you prick, I used to be a goth and no one got me? Being a teen can be a dark time!”
My answer to that is everyone knows different = bad. They must be derided and bullied or else the fabric of society will fall apart. Darwinism wasn’t invented by the turtles in the Galapagos for us to lie down and let these little freaks take over!
Article from http://www.muffslap.com/emo-vs-goth-types-compete/